what's the color of alone-ness?

if i had to assign a color to alone-ness, i would make it hazel. why, you ask, hazel? why not blue or black or something else equally stereotypical?

Hazel= equals aloneness. Because hazel can be blue, and green, and gray, and all at the same time. Hazel scintillates, and looks great. It performs, goddamn it.

Only if one looks closely can one actually SEE the blue in the hazel. Only if one catches in just the right light can one SEE the grayness and slow learned indifference.

And the green. Well that's just for puke. :)

I don't have a nice memory to write down today.

welcome back!

so it's been a long time but i need a place to store my semi negative energies if you will.

tonight somewhere in between write up 27 (translate bullshit assignment infinity) for medical school i played the little mental exercise of "what could have been done with all this time I spent jumping through medical school hoops like a goddamn feral lemming?"

I have played this exercise multiple times in the past, and it is always disheartening.

1) Become an excellent rock skipper.

2) Mastered ultimate frisbee.

3) Designed blue sprints for a super green and happy for the environment house.

4) Probably learned at least 2 year's of mandarin or arabic if I was feeling particularly ambitious, enterprising if you will with a magic hat in hand.

5) Actually learned more medicine.

And the list goes on. What am I doing here? Sitting in this absolute vacuum. Three years of my life down the drain in addition to the other kilos of time I spent getting here.

Amazing Muzak

Gets me through the day, baby.

This song rocks my world.

http://www.onlylyrics.com/song.php?id=29914

dance, baby, dance.

hello again

so finally i post again.

plenty has happened since the last post, i suppose. im still working where im working, doing what im doing.

one thing that i am amazed by is how little you can really know yourself, and how you can make a decision really thinking and believing it's the best one.

only to realize that it wasn't in so many ways. and you never knew.

i don't think i've ever second guessed myself as intensely, or in so many dimensions as this period.

i don't think that's going to stop anytime soon either.

i would write more and i want to, but im too tired.

the good side of AIM

so normally im not a big fan of AIM.

actually to be quite honest, i think it's from the devil.

so many misunderstandings, miscommunications. seriously, it's the stuff soap operas and other bullshit is made of...
but every once and i while i get a real gem of a conversation.

and here's one:

A: harro
B: hey whats up
A: one sec...on phone
A: okay
B: h'ok
A: hoooh kaaay
B: how are you
A: pretty good - until devil woman was hired and sat next to me
B: awww poor baby
B: that sounds unfortunate
B: wanna come work with me
A: no it is
B: you can meet honey.
B: does she have a wang or something?
B: what's so scary
A: i'm seriously pissed/ devastated
B: what happened?
B: i take it she didn't just grope your ass or something
B: this sounds serious
A: she's the most overbearing, micro-managing, anal - retentive wench
B: let's set her computer to play spooky voices shall we?
B: i can help you do it.
B: supereasy.
A: they brough her on cause she has a bunhc of experience, and she immediately made herself my personal boss
B: see wench run.
B: that blows monkey butts.
B: is she young
B: or is she an older midlife menopausal hormonal basketcase
B: well darling
B: i have to go to le bed.
B: i am ze tired.
B: and i have to think of mind games to play with my pet hyacinth tomorrow morning.
A: she's 30 something
B: because after all, that's what i do at work.
B: gooo.
B: she needs ass.
B: ass and vodka tonic.
B: brenda darling.
B: send ze bitch my death wishes.
B: *mental telepathy death wish*
B: *darth vader hiss*
B: i really do have to le bed tho
B: ill call you tomorrow ok?
A: wow
A: that was impressive
B: damn right.
B: that was college, dude.
B: because all the dorks get together and death whistle on the quad.
B: *hengh hengh*
A: HA! what??
B: i don't know.
B: i'm tired.
B: i need to go to bed so i can play with honey my hyacinth tomorrow morning.
B: seriously brenda, though.
B: good friends help you move.
A: okay
B: better friends help you move bodies.
B: im a better friend.
B: do you have a bat?
A: are you on drugs?

and yes, i was player B. good night.

i'm only happy when it rains.

not really. so i realize that my last two posts were somewhat depressive~ it's been interesting readjusting to being back home, and sadly i've always liked pouring all my bad vibes into what i write, versus voicing them.

im not at all a drama queen overemotional sponge. actually, i'm really disgutingly cheerful and well-balanced~ just ask my office mate at 8:30 in the morning.

i think he wants to kill me sometimes, but then decides not to because there would be cheeriness cytokines all over the floor. and he'ld have to pick them allllllllllll up.

but a quip from corporate america.
me: i just feel bad bothering him, he seems so busy...and intense.
coworker: he's your supervisor. he expects questions.
me: i guess so.
coworker: so what you're saying is you're afraid of an anal retentive biochemist with an insulin pump?
me: something like that.

back to ze grind.

forever is fake.

i wish i could tell you
you still look the same
as when i first saw you
and wanted you in that dirty little secret
kind of way.

i wish i could tell you
that i still love you to death:
even the tiniest most minute details
like the mole on your left ear
or the smell of garlic spaghetti on your breath.

i wish i could say that we are the same
that we are the oneness
and the rest of the world is just the outside:
the they.

and while i'm a good liar,
i can't lie about this.
something is amiss,
the us is missing,
and you and me is just fucking adrift.

over the seconds
the minutes
you and me fell away
so many things not said
so many things will be left to say.

so hey, you and me may be losers in love
but what does it matter when
we are the masters of bleeding each other
and wounding each other
in every possible way.

you sit on the couch
silent in the TV glaze
i clank in my kitchen
too sad to stop
too tired to let our 24-7 cycle give,
too much to change.

you and me said it would be forever
unfortunately
forever, for so long,
has never quite covered this moment,
this today.

in my mind's eye
when i first met you i saw the spectre of this.

in my mind's eye
when i first kissed you
i suspected the consequence.

in my mind's eye
20 years ago
when i said i do
i tried to, fear suffocate...

somewhere i realized
that the shadow's no premonition~
seeing should have been
the recognition:
there's no such thing as forever,
forever's fucking fake.

there's no such thing as i love you like that,
you're human
i'm human
everything grays and then
fades...

so this is you
this is me
i empty of you
and you of me
adrift on our own separate seas.
united only by polished
shells of our memory.